The Sacrificial Orgasm…

Disclaimer:  This is not for the faint of heart.  If you are opposed to profanity, now is the time to exit the ride, because it is about to get kinda filthy.  It is important to understand that I have a very perverted, dark, cynical, and diverse sense of humor.  So, what you are about to read is very true, but presented in the aforementioned fashion.  Ok?  With that said..

I’ve been thinking…and this is exactly where I fuck completely up.  I’ve been 7 months without sex, and I believe that I might be out to sabotage myself.  This shit is absolutely maddening.  But there are a few factors that play into why, the asshole before you, feels slightly bipolar some days due to lack of physical contact.  If I do not get some soon, I’m checking into a psychiatric ward.  Because, who in the hell decides they’re not going to fuck, on purpose?!

  • Factor number 1:  I have turned into such an introvert, I rather rub one out than to have my space invaded by a man who, WILL, get on my nerves in time, for something not even that damn serious.  

I have times that I get right to the point of letting somebody come by, and rip the walls down.  But, at the last minute, me and the dumbass that sits in my head, waiting for a good opportunity to fuck my whole life up, bit by bit…decides to say, “nope let’s watch Netflix, get a pizza, and rub one out.” 

And now..dear God, and now, that I have a vibrator…That damn thing made me look at myself one night like “Bitch I love you..” (look I know I ain’t gets much worse from here, so hang in there.)

  • Factor 2. Lying to myself! “I don’t wanna fall in love, (No, no) Love cuts just like a knife..” (Its song lyrics by Jane Child..getcho life if you don’t know!) I keep saying that I don’t want a relationship, and that I kinda want to just “do me,” whatever the hell that means. (I just want to bone who I want to, without any issues.  

But deep down, I just didn’t trust myself.  My track record in regards to my decision making, when it came to my relationships, was not the greatest. And, I didn’t forgive myself completely for some of those decisions.

I understand the importance of companionship, trust me I do.  But, my view of relationships has changed a lot, especially since coming upon my mid-late 30’s.  My expectations, desires, amongst other things have changed, thus has my my desire for love, peace, freedom, understanding, honesty, security, and respect, which are non-negotiable.  

So, I guess the question is, why have I lumped in the whole relationship thing, when I’m discussing sex? 

  • Factor 3:  “If we are fuckin on a regular, and it’s great, we go together..” 

That shit had to have been an unspoken motto, that I had developed for my life. If the sex was good and consistent, there was no way in my head, that we didn’t go together.  STOP FUCKING ME LIKE YOU WANT ME TO HAVE YOUR LAST NAME, IF YOU DON’T WANT ME TO HAVE YOUR LAST NAME!!  I’m a Scorpio, you cannot fuck me like your life depends on it, and think that I’m not going to be on you like white on rice.

I had to realize that many of my relationships started as intense, sex fueled, “Dr. Love is in to heal you of your pain” type of, whirlwind, Disney should be sued for the bullshit they brainwash little girls with, crap.  So, maybe by removing the culprit (my vag) in all of this, I would able to make better decisions, about who I decide to heal with my hooha.  Which in turn, allows me to get a better credit score, and stay away from Krispy Kreme a little while longer, right? Fuckin wrong!  Now, I walking around here mad as hell, first thing in the morning, for no damn reason.  “No dammit it’s a reason! You need to get that bat cave cleared out so damn bad, you can’t stand it.  You have taken your ass to Krispy Kreme 3 times this weekend eek because your sweet tooth is on the fritz.  No shit! You need to get your back broken in so bad, but the Chiropractor can’t do shit for this ache you have!” This is the shit myself, tells me.

It’s actually interested me to hold out.  (I know that sounds rather crazy, but considering we’ve come this far…) It’s not that I haven’t had the opportunity to have sex.  I’m a serial repeater of good sex, so I always have an ace in the hole.  I didn’t practice much restraint before, and that came with a shit load of issues, that was lumped in with other issues.  

When I started this a few years ago, i had no intention of abstaining, but it kinda sprouted on its own.  And the more I realized what was happening, I started to investigate it more, from a psychological viewpoint initially.  Then it traveled into other areas, like my spiritual.  I wanted to be more aware of the things that had gotten me to the previous mindset, and to the mindset that I have now.  Doing it this way has actually allowed me to understand and accept my sexuality a lot more.  I don’t completely understand it all, but I’m a lot further along than I was just out here sport fucking.