Most people can’t understand why I live my life the way that I do. They don’t understand why I take the time to talk to people; truly caring about what they have to say. They don’t understand why I value those that I come in contact with even if we never become close. They wouldn’t understand why I insist on personally responding to all of my birthday wishes and why I normally (if I don’t get too busy) send birthday wishes to each of my Facebook friends on their special day even if I don’t know them.
A very special lady that I met six years ago just left the sweetest message on my wall. It made me smile but I also shed a tear as I reflected on the person I was when we crossed paths. She mentioned in her note that I was in a place of misery but always wore a smile. What many people don’t know is that I was so miserable that about 4 1/2 years ago I almost ended my life.
I remember sitting down to take the time to write each of my daughters’ good bye letters. I wanted to make them as personal as possible as if this would make them feel any better about living without me. Each letter spoke of their individual traits I loved and stated my desires for their lives as they grew into women. Although I knew losing me would cause them pain, I truly felt they were better off without me. My marriage was failing and I was failing to provide them the life I had always dreamed of for my children. I couldn’t make their dad love me so I didn’t feel like I could possibly set a good example for them or be the woman that they would look up to.
I sat crying as I wrote them contemplating the best way to go. I was really thinking about what I had the guts to do to myself. There was no gun in the house (that I knew of) and I needed to make sure it was final. I didn’t want to be unsuccessful in my attempt, end up living but end up losing my kids. I don’t know if I’ve ever cried so much. My soul shook and I felt like I was losing my mind. I just couldn’t figure out where I had gone wrong. I thought about my husband making the statement that he pulled chicks that were bad enough to pull basketball players. Wasn’t I pretty enough? Wasn’t I funny enough? Wasn’t my sex good enough? Wasn’t I an excellent cook? Hadn’t I been supportive enough? I too thought I could pull basketball players but he just didn’t see it. I wasn’t sure what had happened to me but I knew I hated the woman staring back at me in the mirror. She obviously wasn’t good enough and she needed to die. That was the only way she would find peace.
I remember folding the letters and placing them in my special box. It was a box that I kept in my closet full of little trinkets that meant a lot to me. I knew if I passed away, the letters were sure to be found if I placed them in there. I was hurting so badly and I just wanted the pain to go away. I can’t remember much pass lying in the floor crying so much that I coughed up phlegm. I guess I cried myself to sleep. I spent the next few days in a fog just going through the motions. I probably spent most of my time in bed as I often did when I fell into depression. My next memory is sitting in church. After the service ended, a lady who is like a mom came up to me, wrapped her arms around me and whispered in my ear “the enemy wants you to take your life but God said don’t do it! There IS a way out”!!! It was then that I was felt just a little strength to press on.
Today I stand stronger than ever. I’m grateful for every year I’ve been granted since them. I’m grateful to look in the face of my children and in the faces of people that love me. I had to go through THAT to get HERE. I made it to the 40 club! Life is so precious to me and I love living! Happy Personal New Year to Me!