~Shemeka Michelle
They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger but right now I’m mad as hell and all in my feelings.
For the second time in less than a year, I have to uproot my children and move. While I’m thankful we’re not homeless, I absolutely HATE moving! I also hate when current events bring back past emotions. All over again I’m as pissed as I was when we moved last year. Though this time it’s not divorce and it’s for a totally different reason beyond my control; once again I have to pray, write and talk myself out of an emotional breakdown. It’s so hard to keep a game face for your children so they can really believe everything is going to be alright when inside you feel like you’re dealing with the same shit! I’m constantly reminding myself that this time is different. Although it seems like I’m back at square one, I AM truly progressing. However, I MUST get NAKED about my true feelings with the hopes that I can continue to move forward.
The differences this time are…….
1. No one is taking my cereal out of boxes throwing it along with other items from the pantry into one big box that’s too heavy for me to carry.
2. I won’t have my kids urging me to grab stuff that’s important to them out of fear that it’ll be thrown away like some of our other stuff.
3. I won’t have carpet cleaners laughing and joking with the “owner of the house” while we struggle to get our things.
4. I won’t have neighbors saying they’re going to miss me and encouraging me to stay strong as tears roll down my face.
However, some feelings are the same…..
1. Once again I feel stupid for keeping my word. I promised my ex I would never take his house so I handed it over without a fight although I feel like he’s tried giving me his ass to kiss.
2. I’m pissed that another woman who probably can barely cook is swinging her monkey ass on my double ovens!
3. I’m upset that HER child is enjoying toys and the rooms that I decorated for MY children.
I’m feeling better already but also
4. I’m insulted by the HALF ASS, FAILED ATTEMPT TO REPLACE, IMITATE OR EMULATE ALL THAT I WAS, AM OR EVER WILL BE!!
And EXHALE…
Some may question my feelings but it is what it is and getting naked about my true feelings is so freeing. I CANNOT and WILL NOT allow my feelings to bind me in a place of shame and defeat. Eventually these feelings will just be words on a page. I will gather my strength and keep on keeping on. As the song writer pegged “I’ve come too far from where I started from. Nobody told me the road would be easy and I don’t believe He brought me this far to leave me.”
And besides, ONE MONKEY DON’T STOP NO SHOW!! (Smile)