“If you looked in my life and see what I’ve seen”

Random Journal Entry
For the longest time I’ve been saying I was going to start keeping a journal. You know something for them to reference when they start to make the movie of my life. Hopefully there will be an honest person left when I’m gone to fill them in on the twenty four years before today. Today I have asked God what’s so different about me. Why am I yet to find a happy, stable relationship? I just can’t seem to get it right. Okay, I know some relationships are obvious. Like the one with my daughter’s father. He was married and already had five kids before ours. So on that relationship I don’t need an explanation but what am I doing wrong? I can’t help feeling like I was much happier sleeping around not caring about anybody but myself. I smiled more, worried less and I damn sho wasn’t on fucking medication for anxiety. I know you have to struggle to be able to appreciate the things God has for you but what about those that don’t seem to struggle at all. What’s so different about me? Why when I decide to do the right thing and treat a man like a person he always tries to dog me? However, if I was fucking his friend behind his back, he would be sending me roses and shit! Sometimes I just want to completely rebel. Damn my soul. I get sick of people mistaking my kindness for weakness. It’s hard not to curse them all and just say fuck it! Or just end my life and say fuck it! I gotta child though…..Would never want to leave her in this bullshit ass world alone. If I can just keep her from making the same stupid ass mistakes I’ve made, then this here day of pain won’t be in vain!