Today was an example of when good advice goes bad. I know it was unintentional and was out of concern. I always express how hard it is for me to lie in bed. I never really sleep. I really feel as if one of the reasons I do so much and can’t sit still is actually some kind of weird unorthodox therapy for me. If I’m busy I don’t have to face certain things of my past. I’ll only focus on what is most important, which is work, my future, my goals, and a totally new and better life. In a sense I guess it’s good to know my present and my future are no longer connected to my past.
But I must say my past is priceless! It’s now my motivation and as much as I try to bury and suppress it, it’s a part of me. So many circumstances I literally thought would be the death of me, gives me more reasons to live. Aside from him, I’ve even been walking a very fine line of hating someone recently and hatred has never been my heartbeat no matter what a person has done to me. But I’m trying really hard to depend on distance to help me deal with this emotion toward this person. I don’t want my life to be one big contradiction! I want my actions and advice to line up with my words! I really try my best to stay positive about everything.
As I tried to muster up and cry; thinking about what I allowed with this man, I just could not get one tear to back up what I was feeling. In most instances when we describe relationships that didn’t work, almost every time we start by saying it was great in the beginning or as time passed he changed. Not my story, now that I’ve really been thinking today. From the very beginning to end there was deceit amongst very awful other things. My thoughts today had me wondering did this man ever love and respect me. Why did I marry him? Why did he propose? Why in the hell did he pretend to want to be my husband? He showed me who he was from the very start, why didn’t I believe him? As time passed why didn’t I even care? Why didn’t I get my ass out of the bed today? Maybe I should get professional therapy. My desire is to be strong minded, encouraging, and motivational. To be this I have to first be honest with myself and take every measure I need to take to be healthy and make healthy decisions. The question now is do I need help in order to help myself. How did I get here? Where did these emotions come from; even the things that I didn’t mention. Today I spent 24 hours reliving pain I had endured from the last nine and a half years. “Get some rest” they say, I SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN OUT THE DAMN BED!
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