How in the hell was I able to be in love and attracted to this person? When he was away on business, I genuinely missed him and longed for him and I was able to be sexually excited. I’d send him pictures of my body hoping he’d rush home and want me just as much as I wanted him. I sent him videos with me playing with sex toys and exploding so hard for him, my fingers would damn near be too wet to hit send. Why was I rewarding such selfishness? I was not blind to any of the things I endured. I knew him like a book and I knew when he was lying. But, why didn’t I care? Why are these emotions affecting me more now that it’s over than when it was actually happening?
Being a barber and a stylist I often have clients that look to me for advice. Even with family and friends I’m the go to person for relationship advice. You would think that for a person that gives such great healthy advice, surely that person would be living according to the same advice they give. What made me so different that I was exempt from knowing myself worth at the time? This was truly NOT “practicing what you preach” at its finest!
My past with this man makes lying and cheating seem as if it’s only drinking the last glass of Kool-aid. To make it a little more understanding if I can, lying and cheating was only misdemeanors if they were crimes. Your normal speeding tickets if I must add. Even the failures to appear were no longer an issue for me. His promises to be home for Thanksgiving and Christmas ended up being “no shows.” This was or should have been grounds for immediate termination. But as time passed, I stopped caring about that too. But why did I comfortably allow it? I had given myself so many excuses that seemed logical at the time.
Looking back I was only making excuses in fear of my reality. Where was the fight and courage I have now back then? I am in the beginning stages of independence and being self sufficient due to the fact that I was totally dependent on him. He allowed me to be a stay at home wife, go back to school, and I had health reasons. To be honest it’s scary because I find myself having what if moments when I think about our children. On the other hand I know that no matter what we are going to be just fine. As a matter of fact even more well off than ever before! I’m no longer worried about our well being. However it scares the hell out of me at times wondering what kind of example I have set for my children with them seeing me cry at times as well as times we argued in front of them. Seeing me angry and scream it’s over and then continuing to allow him to come “home.” They are very smart kids. Did they think I was a woman or a mouse? I don’t ever want them to resent me, rebel later in life, or make poor choices comparing them to mine.
I’m so tired of thinking right now!
To be continued……
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